AMERICAN 

NEWSPAPER 
HUMORISTS 


FOR  THE  GAIETY  OF  NATIONS 


807.73 

R3^9Q   Rice,  Wallace 


&P 


NT  DATE 

LOANED 


American  newspaper 
humorists 


BORROWERS  NAME 


"J 


I 


807.73  Rice,  Wallace 

R3b9a  American  newspaper 

y  humorists 
6893  V 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

Microsoft  Corporation 


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For   the    Gai  ety 
of    Nations 

AMERICAN  NEWSPAPER  HUMORISTS 


WALT 


For   the    Gaiety   of  Nations 

FUN  and  PHILOSOPHY  FROM  THE 

AMERICAN 
NEWSPAPER 
HUMORISTS 

COMPILED  BY 

WALLA  C  E      RICE 


Laugh— and  the  world   laughs   with   you; 
And  don't  you  dare  smile  alone. 

—  Chicago  Mail. 


NEW    YORK:    DODGE    PUBLISHING 
COMPANY:     220  EAST     23d     STREET 


Copyright,  1909,  by 
Dodge  Publishing  Company 


ff  ozjm;m°) 


To 

FINLEY  PETER  DUNNE 

Unto  Whom  Was  Given  Wit, 

Wisdom,  and  a  Friendly 

Soul 


For  the  GAIETY  OF  NATIONS 
Fun  and  Philosophy.  From  THE 
ELDER  AMERICAN  HUMOR- 
ISTS, AMERICAN  NEWSPA- 
PER HUMORISTS,  THE 
LATER  AMERICAN  HUMOR- 
ISTS. Three  Volumes,  each  50 
cents.  Dodge  Publishing  Com- 
pany, 220  East  23d  St.,  New  York. 


IT  is  easy  to  get  into  the  habit  of  frown- 
ing— look  at  the  men  you  see  going  to 
their  loving  families  every  night  with 
heavy  creases  between  their  eyebrows,  glar- 
ing at  the  world  as  if  it  were  a  disease  they 
might  catch  if  they  looked  pleasant!  But — 
thank  Heaven ! — it  is  just  as  easy  to  get  into 
the  habit  of  smiling;  don't  you  remember 
the  pretty  little  girl  with  her  dimples  show- 
ing that  you  caught  a  glimpse  of  the  other 
day?  Didn't  she  heighten  and  broaden  and 
brighten  this  old  earth  of  ours  for  you,  in 
spite  of  yourself?  And  wouldn't  you  rather 
have  a  soul  like  hers  than  own  the  black 
heart  of  the  bashi-bazouk  you  perceived  in 
the  glass  when  you  were  shaving  this  morn- 
ing? Chicago  Journal. 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

OF  NATIONS 


AMERICAN 
NEWSPAPER    HUMORISTS 

IT  is  related  that  a  certain  German  maiden 
once  presided  at  a  mineral-water  foun- 
tain, at  which  there  were  only  two  kinds  of 
syrup — vanilla  and  lemon.  To  her  came  a 
young  man,  who  said,  "I  want  a  glass  of 
soda  without  syrop."  "Ja,"  replied  Katrina ; 
"boot  vat  kind  off  syrop  you  vant  him  mit- 
out — mitout  vanilla  or  mitout  lemon?" 
San  Francisco  Argonaut. 

THE  Boston  Globe  says  a  pretty  stocking 
never  looks  better  than  when  hung  up 
for  Christmas  presents.  This  is  rather 
rough  on  the  Boston  girls. 

New  York  Life. 

ANNA,  what  must  you  do,  before  every- 
thing else,  to  have  your  sins  forgiven?" 
"Commit  the  sins."  The  Eve. 


N 


O  one  knows  how  often  Rebecca  went  to 
the  well  before  she  caught  on. 

Chronicle-Telegraph. 

[9] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


WHEN  Bangs,  the  rifle-shooting  expert, 
died,  his  widow  was  inconsolable. 
"There  was  none  like  him,"  she  moaned ;  "he 
never  missed  fire."  "Cheer  up,"  said  a  sym- 
pathizing friend,  "possibly  he  may  be  equally 
successful  in  his  present  abode."  The  effect 
upon  the  widow  was  electric. 

Boston  Transcript. 

HAVE    you    a    match?"     "Yes;    but    I 
hain't  got  no  cigar."    "Then  you  can't 
want  the  match."  D anbury  News. 


"/\H,  say,  ma,  hasn't  that  man  over  there 
V  got  awful  big  ears?"  "Hush,  child;  the 
gentleman  might  hear  you."  "Well,  ma,  if 
he  couldn't  hear  me  with  those  ears  he  ought 
to  haul  them  down."     New  York  Journal. 

A  NORTHERN  paper  praises  the  Indian 
Hair  Restorer.    He  is  a  fraud.    No  In- 
dian was  ever  known  to  restore  any  hair. 

Texas  Sif  tings. 

"1JA,"  said  Johnnie  at  the  circus,  "if  one  of 
*     those  Arabs  fell  down  and  knocked  all 
his  teeth  out,  would  he  talk  gum  Arabic?" 

Chicago  Mail. 

[10] 


OF  NATIONS 


OH,  doctor,"  came  over  the  telephone, 
"what  shall  I  do  for  baby?  He  has 
swallowed  a  dime."  "Well,  you  surely  don't 
want  to  spend  $2  to  get  a  dime,  do  you?" 
And  the  telephone  ceased  to  work. 

Newman  Independent. 

"VOUR  studies  are  costing  me  a  great 
A  deal,"  said  the  indulgent  father  as  he 
reached  into  his  pocket.  "I  know  it,  father," 
the  boy  observed  as  he  harvested  a  $10  bill, 
"and  I  don't  study  very  hard,  either." 

New  York  Sun. 

MY  poor  Elsie," — this  to  the  recently  be- 
reaved widow,  "how  lonesome  you 
must  feel  without  him."  "Yes,  dear;  but  I 
have  one  consolation,"  she  replied  mourn- 
fully.   "I  know  where  he  is  nights." 

New  York  Life. 

DON'T  you  think,"  said  Mrs.  Keener, 
"that  when  Adam  realized  the  vastness 
of  the  world  he  must  have  had  a  great  deal 
on  his  mind?"  ."Well,"  replied  Mrs.  Blunt, 
"from  the  pictures  I've  seen  of  him  I  should 
say  that  whatever  he  did  have  on  must  have 
been  on  his  mind."  Yonkers  Gazette. 

["I 


FORTflE  GAIETY 


MY  dear,"  said  he  as  they  started  for 
church,  "I'd  as  soon  see  a  woman  put- 
ting on  her  stockings  in  the  street  as  her 
gloves."    "Most  men  would,"  said  she. 

Evansville  Argus. 

AS  the  large  lady  entered  the  street  car 
little  Tim  Doherty  struggled  gallantly 
to  his  feet  and  exclaimed,  "I'll  be  wan  iv 
anny  two  gintlemen  in  th'  car  to  give  th' 
lady  a  seat."  Chicago  Herald. 

"VOUR  minister's  popularity  seems  to  be 
m  increasing  rapidly."  "Yes,"  said  the 
deacon;  "since  he  was  caught  kissing  the 
soprano  in  the  choir  the  church  has  taken  on 
new  life."  New  York  Sun. 

MR.  SUBURBS:  What's  the  matter? 
Where's  the  new  servant  girl?  Mrs. 
Suburbs:  Oh,  George!  I  told  her  she  had 
better  dust  this  morning,  and  she  dusted. 

Philadelphia  Press. 

PEOPLE  who  think  twice  before  speaking 
soon  get  out  of  the  habit  of  talking. 
New  Orleans  Picayune. 

[12] 


OF  NATIONS 


"^TES,"  said  the  seedy-looking  man  in 
»  explanation,  "I  was  makin'  money  as 
bridge  tender;  but  they  had  one  of  these 
fool  registers  that  rings  up  when  it's  stepped 
on.  A  blamed  Newfoundland  dog  got  on 
the  thing  the  other  day  and  began  to  scratch 
himself — it  cost  me  $275  to  settle." 

Arkansaw  Traveler. 


A  MAN  may  bet  on  anything 
In  this  world  he  may  choose, 
And  six  times  out  of  seven 
It's  a  safe  bet  he  will  lose. 

Chicago  Daily  News. 


OH,  yes  you  read  this  hurriedly 
And  say,  "Now,  ain't  that  true?" 
But  how  about  the  winners  six 
The  loser  loses  to?  Puck. 

"QO  you  really  imagine  smoking  benefits 
O  you?"  "I  know  it  does ;  my  mother-in- 
law  leaves  the  room  the  minute  I  light  my 
pipe."  Pittsburg  Despatch. 


H 


OPE  is  the  bridge  over  the  stream  of  dis- 
appointment.       Chicago  Daily  News. 

[13] 


I 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

0 'TOOLE:  Give  me  a  shave.  New  Bar- 
ber: Have  you  your  own  mug?  "Me 
own  mug  is  it?  An'  do  you  think  I'd  be 
after  going  around  wid  another  feller's  mug 
atop  me  showlders?"  Pittsburg  Post. 


CAN'T  see  why  you  are  so  deucedly  smit- 
ten with  her."  "Why,  because  she  is  so 
pretty."  "Beauty  is  only  skin  deep."  "Well, 
Great  Scott !  I  am  no  cannibal.  That's  deep 
enough  for  me."  Cleveland  Leader. 

"1\E  only  thing  dat  some  people  gits  out 
"  o'  education,"  said  Uncle  Remus,  "is 
the  ability  to  talk  so's  people  can't  under- 
stand 'em."  Washington  Star. 

CHURCH:  I  see  the  attorney-general  is 
going  to  stop  all  this  guessing  business 
in  the  newspapers.  Gotham :  Whom  do  you 
suppose  that  is  aimed  at,  the  weather 
bureau?  Yonkers  Statesman. 

"llif  AMMA,  what  is  a  spinster?"   "A  spin- 
1  JL  ster,    my   dear,   is    a   woman   to   be 
envied.    But  don't  tell  your  father  I  said  so." 
Philadelphia  Ledger. 

[14] 


OF  NATIONS 


IF  a  man  will  go  through  his  bank  account 
for  a  girl  he  may  safely  cut  out  the  fire 
and  water.  Detroit  News. 

AMERICAN :  Why  do  you  go  to  Germany 
so  often?  German:  I  like  operas.  "You 
can  hear  operas  in  this  country."  "Yah ;  but 
id's  cheaper  to  puy  a  ticket  to  Shermany  und 
hear  id  ofer  there.'*        New  York  Weekly. 

THE  automobile  by  another  name  would 
smell  no  sweeter. 

Yonkers  Statesman. 


'QHE  will  find  it  hard  to  get  a  husband  on 
w  account  of  her  past." 


matter  with  her  past?' 


What  is  the 
"It's  very  long." 

Washington  Post. 


DOCTOR:  Some  foreign  substance  has 
lodged  in  your  eye.  Dennis :  Oi  knowed 
Oi'd  get  something  wurrkin'  with  them  Da- 
goes. Kansas  City  Star. 


I 


T'S  what  a  man  doesn't  know  about  a  girl 
that  causes  him  to  fall  in  love  with  her. 

Philadelphia  Record. 

[15] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

A  YOUNG  man  has  just  telegraphed  me 
that  he  has  married  my  daughter." 
"I  hope  he  is  a  good  practical  man."  "I 
guess  he  is, — he  wired  me  collect." 

Louisville  Courier-Journal. 


SAMBO:  Whar  you  get  dat  chicken? 
Mark  Antony:  Nebber  yo'  min'  'bout 
dat  chicken.  'Tain't  yours.  "How  you  know 
it  ain't?"  "  'Cause  I  found  it  in  youah  coop." 

Nezv  York  Weekly. 


"^7ES,"  said  the  haughty  young  woman 
■n.  who  was  a  Colonial  Dame  and  a 
Daughter  of  the  Revolution,  "my  great- 
grandfather fell  at  Bunker  Hill."  "Ice  or 
banana  skin?"  asked  the  polite  young  man 
from  the  West.      Cleveland  Plain  Dealer. 


LL  work  and  no  play  is  what  discourages 
i  the  budding  dramatist. 

Philadelphia  Record. 


MAMMA:  How  did  you  get  your  clothes 
so  terribly  torn?  Tommy:  Trying  to 
keep  a  little  boy  from  being  licked.  "Ah !  a 
brave  deed!  Who  was  the  little  boy?" 
"Me."  Washington  Star. 

[16] 


OF  NATIONS 

ROBBINS:   I  didn't  think  you  had  any 
idea  of  marrying  the  widow.     Newly- 
wed:  I  hadn't;  it  was  an  idea  of  hers. 

Argonaut. 


A 
A 


LL  the  world  loves  a  lover  except  the 
gas  companies.  Life. 


FRIEND  in  need  will  keep  you  broke. 

Baltimore  American. 


JAGGS:  Doctor,  my  wife  has  insomnia 
very  bad.  She  often  remains  awake  un- 
til two  or  three  o'clock  in  the  morning. 
What  shall  I  do  for  her?  Doctor:  Go  home 
earlier.  Argonaut. 

BOREM :  Now  what  would  you  do  if  you 
were  in  my  shoes,  Miss  Cutting?  Miss 
Cutting:  I'd  point  the  toes  toward  the  door 
and  give  them  a  start. 

Chicago  Daily  News. 

I    NOTICED   you   hoeing  your   garden 
yesterday,     what     are     you     raising?" 
"Blisters  mostly."  Philadelphia  Press. 

[17] 


0 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

NE  touch  of  rumor  makes  the   whole 
world  chin.  The  Schoolmaster. 


IT'S  queer  that  people  who  are  always 
railing  at  the  world  are  nevertheless  will- 
ing to  pay  the  doctor  a  small  fortune  to  keep 
them  from  leaving  it  in  a  hurry. 

Atlanta  Constitution. 

'"IATHAT  is  it,  madam?"  asked  the  man  in 
ff  the  intelligence  office.  "I  want  a 
cook,"  exclaimed  the  lady,  "and  I  want  her 
bad."  "Quite  simple,  madam,  we  have  no 
other  kind."  New  York  Herald. 

"f*OME  on  over,"  he  called  to  his  friend, 
\j  recognizable  through  the  dawn  in 
spite  of  his  profound  attachment  to  a  lamp- 
post. "I  won't,"  replied  the  friend,  thickly ; 
"I  can't  hardly  stay  where  I  am." 

Chicago  Evening  Mail. 

"W  CAN'T  see  where  Boojums  gets  his 
M  good  looks;  I've  seen  his  parents." 
"Well,  they  used  to  say  his  mother  was  so 
handsome  she  could  mash  potatoes  by  just 
looking  at  'em."  Puck. 

[18] 


w 


OF  NATIONS 

HO  is  in  here?"  asked  the  colonel 
sternly,  cocking  his  revolver  as  he 
thrust  his  head  into  his  chicken-coop.  A 
weak  reply  came  from  the  corner  where  the 
cackling  was  loudest:  "Nuffin*  but  jes'  us 
chickens,  sah."       St.  Louis  Post-Despatch. 

A  SWEDE  rushed  into  the  harness  shop 
of  a  countryman,  imploring  protection 
against  arrest.  He  was  hustled  into  a  bag 
and  thrust  under  the  counter.  "What's  in 
this?"  asked  the  sheriff  in  his  search  a  mo- 
ment later,  as  he  caught  sight  of  the  bag. 
"Sleighbells,"  said  the  shopkeeper  simply. 
The  sheriff  thrust  at  it  with  his  foot.  "Yin- 
gle-y ingle-y ingle !"  it  replied. 

Minneapolis  Times. 


"Ij^EGOE  seems  a  conceited  sort  of  per- 

w  son  to  me."    "Conceited!    Why,  he's 

so  much  in  love  with  himself  that  when  he 

got  married  they  arrested  him  for  bigamy." 

Memphis  Cimetar. 


"/\H,    Bridget!     I   asked   you   to   notice 

"  when  the  apples  boiled  over."    "Sure, 

I  did,  mum;  it  was  a  quarter  past  eleven." 

Bangor  News. 

[19] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

HOW  old  are  you?"  he  asked  the  for- 
eign-looking new  scholar.  "I  do' 
know."  "When  were  you  born?"  "I  ain' 
bane  born;  I  got  stepmutter." 

Grand  Forks  Intelligencer. 

FIRST  PASSENGER:  Oh,  yes,  I  know 
these  southern  railroads,  I  have  been 
riding  on  this  one  all  my  life.  Second  Pas- 
senger: Is  that  so?  You  must  have  gotten 
on  just  before  I  did.  Truth. 


COLLECTOR:   I  can't  keep  coming  here 
every  day  for  that  bill.    Landlady:   I'll 
rent  you  a  room  for  ten  dollars  a  month. 
Detroit  Free  Press. 

TOMMY:  Are  all  the  men  who  have  too 
many  wives  called  bigamists,  pa?  Hen- 
peck:  No,  only  those  who  have  two  or 
more.  Puck. 


MRS.  PORKCASH:  I  wonder  now  if 
there  is  anything  vainer  than  you 
artists  about  your  pictures.  Poor  Artist: 
Our  efforts  to  sell  them,  madam. 

Life. 

[20] 


OF  NATIONS 

"INHERE  is  no  occasion  for  you  to  envy 
A  me,  my  good  man,"  said  the  prosper- 
ous person,  "I  have  as  many  troubles  as 
you."  "I  allow  you  do,  sir,"  admitted  Dis- 
mal Dawson,  "but  the  difficulty  with  me  is 
I  ain't  got  nothing  else." 

Indianapolis  Journal. 


BOARDING-HOUSES  have  taught  me 
one  thing."  "What  is  that?"  "It 
wasn't  a  dried  apple  Eve  tempted  Adam 
with."  Chicago  Record. 

SHE:  They  say  that  people  who  live  to- 
gether get  to  look  alike.     He:    Well, 
just  in  the  interests  of  science,  let's  try  it. 

Hartford  Times. 

THEY  stopped  in  front  of  an  old  moun- 
taineer, unkempt  and  woebegone,  sitting 
before  his  dilapidated  hovel.  "Have  you 
lived  here  all  your  life?"  asked  the  engi- 
neer, seeking  information.  The  native  hesi- 
tated, spat,  and  replied,  "Not  yet." 

Atlanta  Constitution. 

THE  best  thing  in  print — a  pretty  girl  in 
a  calico  dress.  Oil  City  Derrick. 

[21] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

HE:  Do  you  think  your  father  would 
offer  me  personal  violence  if  I  were  to 
ask  him  for  you?  She:  No;  but  I  think  he 
will  if  you  don't  pretty  soon. 

Cleveland  Plain  Dealer. 


BARNES  TORMER:  Talk  about  frosts! 
Why  a  boy  came  down  from  the  gal- 
lery and  wanted  his  money  back  because 
he  was  afraid  to  stay  alone.  Life. 

SHE:   I  can  sympathize  with  you.    I  was 
married   once   myself.      He:     But   you 
were  not  married  to  a  woman. 

Argonaut. 


IT  is  the  nature  of  a  child  to  be  wanting 
to  do  something,"  said  the  enthusiastic 
kindergartner.     "As  far  as  I  have  noticed," 
said  the  mother  of  six,  "it  is  the  nature  of  a 
child  to  be  wanting  to  do  something  else." 
Cleveland  Enquirer. 


ETHEL:  Did  you  ever  run  across  a  real 
smart  man  in  your  life?  Penelope:  No, 
such  men  jump  very  quickly  when  they 
hear  an  automobile  coming.  Judge. 

[22] 


OF  NATIONS 

I  HAVE  here  a  neat  and  pretty  letter 
opener,"  began  the  agent.  "So  have  I, 
at  home,"  said  the  business  man;  "I  am 
married."  Cincinnati  Tribune. 

"1\ID  you  tell  that  young  man  not  to  call 
"  here  any  more?"  asked  Mabel's  father 
severely.  "N — no,  I  didn't  think  it  was 
necessary;  he  calls  seven  times  a  week 
now."  Washington  Star. 


BASS :  Was  that  baby-talk  your  wife  was 
talking  as  I  came  in?  Fogg:  No,  that 
was  mother-talk;  no  baby  I  ever  saw  in- 
dulged in  such  gibberish. 

Boston  Transcript. 

YOU  can't  make  the  fellow  with  a  lot  of 
sisters  believe  that  happiness  is  merely 
a  relative  matter.  At  all  events,  he  goes  to 
some  other  fellow's  relatives  to  find  it. 

Boston  Transcript. 


B 


do  you  know?"     "I  just  saw  the  tax 
assessor  coming  from  his  house." 

Cleveland  Leader. 

[23] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


SHE  is  a  decided  brunette,  isn't  she?" 
"Yes,   very.     They  say  her  husband 
can't  call  his  soul  his  own." 

Detroit  Free  Press. 

IF  the  pictures  can  be  believed,  it  was  a 
very  simple  matter  for  an  ancient  Roman 
to  go  to  bed.  He  just  took  his  sandals  off, 
that's  all.  Rochester  Post-Express. 


I 


TALIAN    music    is    fine    because    it    is 
ground  so  much  on  the  streets. 

New  Orleans  Picayune. 


IT  was  first  known  that  hogs  were  good  to 
eat  when  Japhet  Ham.  It  would  be  a 
Shem  not  to  Noah  thing  was  good  after 
trying  it.  Baltimore  Every  Saturday. 

AN  old  lady  was  asked  her  opinion  about 
Mrs.  Smith,  her  next-door  neighbor. 
"Well,"  she  said,  "I  am  not  the  one  to  speak 
ill  of  anybody,  but  I  feel  very  sorry  for  Mr. 
Smith."  Portland  Transcript. 


D 


ON'T  strike  matches  on  an  oil  painting. 

Puck. 

[24] 


OF  NATIONS 


A 


N  old  tin  kettle  may  not  point  a  moral, 
but  we  have  known  it  to  adorn  a  tail. 

Washington  Gazette. 


DID  you  ever  notice  how  suddenly  a  timid 
woman  who  is  humming  an  operatic  air 
will  switch  off  on  to  a  religious  hymn  when 
a  storm  comes  up  and  she  hears  the  first 
clap  of  thunder?  Norristown  Herald. 

SOME  men  are  known  by  the  company 
they — can't  get  into. 

Somerville  Journal. 

LOVE,  like  other  flames,  is  apt  to  flicker 
if  there  are  too  many  draughts  upon  it. 

Grip. 

A  BABY  will  cry  no  harder  if  a  pin  is 
stuck  into  him  than  he  will  if  the  cat 
won't  let  him  pull  her  tail.  It  is  cheaper, 
therefore,  to  pin  him.     Chicago  Telegram. 

WASHINGTON  was   the  father  of  his 
country,  and  blowing  out  the  gas  on 
retiring  is  one  of  its  smothers. 

Philadelphia  Chronicle-Herald. 

[25] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


A  MICHIGAN  man  who  lost  both  legs  in 
a  saw-mill  now  sits  round  and  tells 
about  the  terrible  battles  of  the  late  war. 
That's  the  sawed  off  man  he  is. 

Boston  Post. 

SHE:    I  don't  know  what  makes  her  so 
positive    about   everything.     He:    Her 
sex.  Atlanta  Constitution. 


ENEROUS   to    a   fault— the    owner   of 
said  fault.  Life. 


QUEEN     ELIZABETH'S    golden    days 
were  fashion's  ruffest  times. 

New  York  News. 

EXPRESS  companies  are  thinking  of  re- 
fusing to  transport  statues  of  the  Venus 
of  Milo  to  connoisseurs.  They  receive  too 
many  bills  for  damages  to  the  arms. 

Philadelphia  Call. 


WHO  says  it  is  unhealthy  to  sleep  in 
feathers?    Look  at  the  spring  chicken, 
and  see  how  tough  it  is. 

Scientific  American. 

[26] 


OF  NATIONS 


WE  read  of  a  young  lady  having  been 
made  crazy  by  a  sudden  kiss.  This 
should  teach  young  ladies  to  be  constantly 
expecting  something  of  the  kind  and  be  pre- 
pared for  it  when  it  comes. 

Lowell  Citizen. 

TIME  is  money  and  money  is  time,  for 
when  you  give  twenty-five  cents  to  a 
couple  of  tramps  it  is  a  quarter  to  two. 

Washington  Gazette. 

YES,  sir,"  said  the  detective,  "I'll  look 
up  his  character.  By  the  way,  do  you 
wish  me  to  prove  that  he's  a  bad  or  a  nice 
person?  I  always  like  to  please  my  cus- 
tomers." Boston  Post. 

ANEW  YORK  plumber  has  married  a 
milliner.    Everything  tends  to  consoli- 
dation and  monopoly  these  days. 

Lowell  Citizen. 

I  BEGGED  Marie  to  smile  on  me, 
For  I  with  love  was  daft. 
She  smiled!    She  more  than  smiled,  for  she 
Just  held  her  sides  and  laughed. 

Philadelphia  Press. 

[27] 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 


ELLA:  She  is  a  decided  blonde,  isn't  she? 
Dora:    Yes,  but  she  only  decided  re- 
cently. Chicago  Daily  News. 

DAR'S  charity  enough  in  dis  worl'  ter 
kiver  a^multitude  of  sinners,"  said 
Brother  Wilnjps,  "but  to  do  'em  any  good 
hereafter,  de  kiverin'  should  be  fireproof." 

Atlanta  Constitution. 


MISTRESS:  Why,  Bridget!  It  seems  to 
me  you  want  very  large  wages  for  one 
who  has  had  so  little  experience.  Bridget: 
Sure,  mum,  ain't  it  harder  for  me  when  I 
don't  know  how?"  Life. 

"JWEVER  marry  a  man  to  reform  him, 
ll    dear."     "I  won't,  Auntie,  nor  will  I 
ever  reform  a  man  for  some  other  girl  to 
marry."  St.  Paul  Pioneer  Press. 

'"P LEASE,  mum,"  began  the  aged  hero  in 

»  appealing  tones,  "I  have  lost  a  leg " 

"Well,  I  ain't  got  it,"  snapped  the  woman, 
closing  the  door.      Everybody's  Magazine. 

AN  ounce  of  intuition  is  worth  a  pound 
of  tuition.  Philadelphia  Record. 

[28] 


OF  NATIONS 

ONE  good  thing  about  marrying  a  widow 
is  that  she  doesn't  expect  so  much  of 
you  in  the  way  of  being  good,  and  talented, 
and  noble.  Sommerville  Journal. 


MRS.  BLACK:  Nothing  that  mother 
eats  seems  to  agree  with  her.  Black: 
Sometimes  food  seems  to  have  human  in- 
telligence. Argonaut. 

I  UNDERSTAND  that  your  boy  is  get- 
ting an  education."  "Yassuh,"  an- 
swered Uncle  Rasberry,  "an'  mebbe  he's 
doin'  better  'n  dat;  I  honestly  b'lieves  he's 
getting  sense  along  wif  it." 

Washington  Star. 

PROFESSOR:  Now,  what  little  boy  will 
make  up  a  sentence  illustrating  the  mean- 
ing of  the  word  "triangle"?  Little  Sammy: 
If  grubs  won't  ketch  'em  try  angle-worms. 

Judge. 

THERE   are    so   many    grafters    in   this 
world  that  there  won't  be  enough  graft 
to  go  around  after  a  little  while. 

Washington  Star. 

[29] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

THERE  is  more  joy  upon  earth  over  one 
sin  found  out  than  over  ninety  and  nine 
forsaken.  Boston  Transcript. 

IF  a  man  is  naturally  bad  education  won't 
make  him  any  better,  but  it  will  help 
keep  him  out  of  jail.      Cleveland  Leader. 

I  NEVER  saw  a  cord  of  wood, 
I  never  want  to  saw  one; 
But  I  can  tell  you  (this  is  good!) 
I  had  rather  see  than  saw  one. 

Puck. 

"¥    SHALL  miss  you  while  you  are  on 
A       your   hunting    trip,"    murmured    the 
young  wife,  "and  I  hope  that  the  men  you 
are  going  with  will  do  the  same  thing." 

Cleveland  Leader. 

SHE:  I  understand  Sarah  married  a 
struggling  young  man.  He:  Yes,  he 
struggled  all  right,  but  he  couldn't  get 
away.  Louisville  Courier. 

"IIOW  is  it  that  widows  generally  marry 
MM   again?"     "Because  dead  men  tell  no 
tales."  Argonaut. 

[30] 


OF  NATIONS 

►ARSON  JOHNSON:   So  dis  little  chile 
am  a  gal.    Do  the  udder  one  belong  to 
the  contrary  sex?    Mr.  Jackson:  Yais,  pah- 
Jj     son,  dat's  a  gal,  too. 

Atlanta  Constitution. 


? 


w 


egged  on  by  his  wife,  who  insisted 
there  was  a  burglar  in  the  room.  "Nobody," 
returned  the  burglar.  "There,  my  dear," 
snapped  Mr.  Binks,  "that's  exactly  what  I 
told  you ;  nobody  is  there,  so  do  go  to  sleep." 

Harper's  Bazar. 

MISTRESS:  Are  you  a  cook?  Appli- 
cant :  Oi  am  that.  "But  are  you  a  good 
cook?"  "Oi  am  that,  Oi  haven't  missed 
airly  mass  in  tin  years."  Judge. 

TOMMY:     Pa,    why    do    the    good    die 
young?    Father:  Because  they  wouldn't 
be  good  if  they  didn't  die  young. 

Indianapolis  Journal. 

WIFE:  That  dog  of  Smith's  bit  mother 
again  this  morning,  and  I  want  to  know 
what  you  propose  doing  about  it.  Husband : 
I  think  I  shall  buy  the  dog.        Argonaut. 

[3i] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


D 


ID    your   daughter   have   any   trouble 


abroad?"    "Not  a  bit,  it  was  the  natives' 
French  that  bothered  her."  Life. 

TEACHER:    Now,  Charley,  tell  us  what 
you    know    about    Croesus?      Charley: 
Dudes  wear  them  in  their  trousers. 

Harlem  Life. 

WHAT,"  said  the  tall  girl,  "can  I  do  to 
bring  the  count  to  his  knees  at  my 
feet?"  "Suppose,"  said  the  short  girl,  "you 
try  dropping  a  dime  on  the  floor." 

Cincinnati  Tribune. 

TEACHER:  Can  any  little  boy  tell  me 
about  Good  Friday?  Eager  Scholar: 
He  was  the  feller  that  done  chores  for  Rob- 
inson Crusoe.  Judge. 

JIM :  Wat  d'  ye  t'ink  o'  de  snake  charmer, 
Tim?  Tim:  Bet  yer  ten  to  one  the  snake 
is  blind,  Jimmy.  Boston  Courier. 

DOCTOR:    Dyspepsia  is  what  ails  you. 
Patient:    What  do  you  advise?     "Fee 
the  waiters."  New  York  Weekly. 

[32] 


OF  NATIONS 

HINNERY  CLAY,"  said  Mr.  Dolan, 
"was  a  great  mon.  He  had  a  cigar 
named  after  him."  "Thrue  fer  yez,"  said 
Mrs.  Dolan,  "only  'twere  no  cigar,  'twere  a 
pipe."  Washington  Star. 

WIFE:  My  first  husband  was  a  great 
fellow  to  get  people  into  scrapes.  Hus- 
band :  He  must  have  had  me  in  mind  when 
he  died.  Truth. 

WADE:  Did  you  ever  notice  that  blind 
men  are  generally  very  smart?  Butler: 
Yes,  having  no  sense  of  sight,  they  make  up 
for  it  by  having  a  sight  of  sense.        Puck. 

MISS  ROSEBUD:  This  is  my  first  sea- 
son out,  and  mamma  says  I  may  get 
married  if  I  want  to.  Miss  Oldun:  She'll 
say  more  than  that  after  this  year. 

Harper's  Bazar. 


IT  is  proper  for  a  man  to  wait  until  the 
lady  sits  down  before  seating  himself," 
says  a  wise  young  man;  "that  is,  if  there  is 
more  than  one  chair  in  the  room." 

Philadelphia  Record. 

[33] 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 

BUTLER:   I  may  be  poor  now,  but  there 
was  a  time  when  I  rode  in  a  carriage. 
Cook:    Yes,  the  one  your  mother  pushed? 

Argonaut.         K 


MRS.  PANCAKE:  Why  are  you  hang- 
ing around  my  back  door  so  long? 
Tramp:  Ma'am,  those  apple-pies  are  as 
pretty  as  a  picture,  and  I  am  trying  to  make 
myself  into  a  frame  for  one  of  them. 

Harper's  Bazar. 

STOCKLY:  I  hear  that  your  son  went 
into  the  office  this  morning  to  work. 
Jobly:  He  went  into  the  office  to  work  me. 
I  was  out,  but  I  think  I  should  have  been  out 
more  if  I  had  been  in.      Detroit  Journal. 

"WS  there  any  case  so  unjust,  mean,  and 
*  dirty  that  you  will  not  take  it?"  he 
asked  the  lawyer  spitefully.  "Well,  I  don't 
know,"  was  the  reply.  "What  have  you 
been  doing  now?"  Chicago  Rambler. 

STUDENT,  to  servant  at  the  door:  Is 
Miss  Brown  in?  Servant:  She's  en- 
gaged. Student:  I  know  it.  I'm — what 
she's  engaged  to.  Detroit  Free  Press. 

[34] 


1} 


OF  NATIONS 

'/\H,  mother,"  said  the  little  boy,  "there 
V   goes  nothing  with  a  tail  to  it!"     It 


was  a  snake. 


St.  Paul  Press. 


VES,"  said  the  student,  condescend- 
*  ingly,  "I  read  a  great  deal  of  phi- 
losophy. I  am  reading  Kant  at  present." 
"Ah,  yes,"  said  the  society  belle,  brighten- 
ing, "It's  by  the  author  of  'Don't,'  I  sup- 
pose." Chicago  Times. 

ALWAYS  what  it  is  cracked  up  to  be — 
Ice.  New  York  Life. 

ARE  your  hens  good  hens?"  "Oh,  yes," 
exclaimed  the  new  suburban  house- 
wife, enthusiastically;  "they  haven't  laid  a 
bad  egg  yet."  Catskill  Mail. 


I 


T  is  a  wise  railroad  stock  that  knows  its 
own  par.  Wall  Street  News. 

kHE  prettiest  things  in  spring  bonnets — 
Girls.  Hartford  Times. 

^HIS  is  the  time  of  year  when  you  get 
what  you  do  not  want  real  cheap. 

New  Orleans  Picayune. 

[35] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

THE  two  lawyers  were  descending  to 
personalities.  "Sir,"  said  one,  "you  are 
a  confounded  liar!"  "Sir,"  responded  the 
other,  "you  are  an  infernal  fool!"  "Gentle- 
men, gentlemen,"  entreated  the  judge,  "you 
will  kindly  address  your  remarks  to  the 
court."  New  York  Sun. 

"ARE    you    a     Christian?"    asked    the 

JEm  mournful  missionary.    "Oh,  dear,  no," 

was  the  cheerful  reply ;  "I'm  a  choir  singer." 

Chicago  News. 

WHAT  a  beautiful  foot  you  have,  dear." 
"Yes ;  Pa  says  when  we  go  to  Europe 
he'll  have  a  bust  of  it  made." 

San  Francisco  Chronicle. 

THE  description  of  Chicago  as  "the 
Venice  of  the  Western  Adriatic"  will  be 
a  revelation  to  Chicagoans,  who  have  long 
thought  Venice  the  goddess  of  love. 

Philadelphia  News. 

CHINA  and  Japan  buy  our  dried  apples 
freely.     Thus  does  American  industry 
help  to  swell  the  population  of  the  Orient. 

Boston  Transcript. 

[36] 


OF  NATIONS 


MADAME  dropped  her  pocket  book  in 
Tremont  Street  the  other  day,  and  a 
brisk  little  newsboy  picked  it  up  for  her. 
"Thanks,"  said  she.  "Welks,"  said  he,  and 
bolted.  The  Beacon. 

A  MINISTER  made  an  interminable  call 
upon  a  lady  of  his  flock.  After  her 
little  daughter  had  been  wearied  long 
enough,  she  whispered  audibly,  "Don't  he 
bring  his  amen  with  him,  mamma?" 

San  Francisco  Call. 

"  1UST  throw  me  half  a  dozen  of  the 
tf  biggest  of  those  trout,"  said  a  citizen 
to  a  fish  dealer.  "Throw  them?"  queried 
the  dealer.  "Yes;  and  then  I'll  go  home 
and  tell  my  wife  I  caught  'em.  I  may  be  a 
poor  fisherman,  but  I'm  no  liar." 

New  York  Times. 

JOEY,  if  you  will  eat  so  many  peaches, 
I  shall  perhaps  lose  my  little  boy;  for 
you  will  certainly  be  sick  and  die  unless 
you  obey  me."  Joey  responded  cheerfully, 
"I  guess  they'll  be  glad  to  see  me  come  to 
Heaven,  I'll  be  so  full  of  peaches." 

The  Rambler. 

[37] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


HOW  They  Dine  in  Berlin"  is  the  title 
of  a  recent  article.  We  did  not  read 
it  because  we  felt  we  could  tell  the  whole 
story  in  three  words :  Off  their  knives. 

Puck. 

YES,"  said  the  chairman,  sadly;  "our 
temperance  meeting  would  have  been 
more  successful  if  the  lecturer  hadn't  tried 
to  blow  the  foam  from  a  glass  of  water." 

New  York  Sun. 


MRS.  HOYLE :  Does  your  husband  make 
good  money?     Mrs.  Doyle:  It's  good 
enough,  but  there  is  so  little  of  it. 

Philadelphia  Record. 


c 


ORA:   What  is  your  favorite  pet  in  the 
animal  world?    Dora:    Man. 

Chicago  Chronicle. 


T 


HE  coal  man  should  be  brought  to  see 
the  error  of  his  weighs. 

Brooklyn  Life. 


JOHNNY:    Pa,  what  is  the  rest  of  the 
quotation  "Truth  is  mighty — "  ?    Father : 
"Scarce,"  I  reckon.  Pittsburg  Post. 

[38] 


OF  NATIONS 


AGNES:  Arthur,  I  smell  liquor  on  your 
breath.  Arthur:  That's  just  like  you, 
Agnes,  you  always  do  the  wrong  thing. 
What  you  ought  to  smell  is  mint. 

Cincinnati  Commercial  Tribune. 


w 


HAT  is  the  wanderlust?"      "It  is  some 
thing  cooks  have." 

Cleveland  Leader. 


LIVES  of  babies  oft  remind  us 
That  our  lives  would  be  less  rough, 
And  we'd  win  our  hearts'  desires, 
If  we  would  holler  long  enough. 

Boston  Transcript. 


WAITER,   I  find  here  in  my  soup  a 
needle."    "A  needle,  sir!     That  must 
be  a  misprint;  it  should  be  a  noodle." 

Judge. 


JOE:  I  love  you,  I  love  you.  Won't  you 
be  my  wife?  Jess:  You  must  see 
mamma  first.  "I  have  seen  her  several 
times,  but  it  makes  no  difference ;  I  love  you 
just  the  same." 

Cleveland  Plain  Dealer. 

[39] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


HUSBAND:  I  wonder  what  we  shall 
wear  in  heaven.  Wife :  Well,  if  you  get 
there,  John,  I  imagine  most  of  us  will  wear 
surprised  looks.  Smart  Set. 

THE  LADY:   That  isn't  the  same  story 
you  told  me  before.     The  Beggar:  No, 
lady,  you  didn't  believe  the  other  one. 

New  York  Sun. 

DID  I  see  you  kissing  my  daughter?" 
"I  really  don't  know,  sir.     I  was  too 
much  occupied  at  the  time  to  notice." 

Life. 

WAS  your  dinner  a  social  success?" 
"Yes,  indeed,  I  was  careful  to  invite 
only  those  who  had  the  same  kind  of  ner- 
vous prostration."  Brooklyn  Life. 

TAKE    care    of    the    pennies    and    after 
awhile  the  dollars  will  take  care  of  you. 
Pennsylvania  Punch  Bowl. 


N 


ONE  of  us  are  so  poor  that  we  can't  pay 
a  compliment  when  it  is  due. 

Newport  News. 

[40] 


OF  NATIONS 


WHY  is  it,"  asked  the  curious  guest, 
"that  poor  men  usually  give  larger 
tips  than  rich  men?"  "Well,  sun,"  said  the 
waiter,  "the  po'  man  don't  want  nobody  to 
know  he's  po'  and  the  rich  man  don't  want 
nobody  to  know  he's  rich." 

Chicago  Tribune. 

MR.  FONDPAR:  Ask  the  doctor  to  come 
to  my  house  immediately.  My  wife 
doesn't  like  the  baby's  looks.  Norah:  He's 
out,  sure,  but  don't  you  worry;  sometimes 
the  homeliest  babies  grow  up  quite  good- 
looking.  Brooklyn  Life. 

FIRST  SWELL  (pretending  to  mistake 
hated  rival  for  an  usher) :  "Ah !  Have 
you  a  programme?"  Second  Swell  (equal 
to  the  occasion) :  "Thanks,  my  man ;  got 
one  from  the  other  fellow." 

New  York  Tribune. 


THE  Cambridge  professor  hit  his  class 
very  neatly  when  he  found  some  of  them 
smiling  at  a  slight  inadvertence  of  his  own. 
"Gentlemen,"  he  said,  "let  us  remember  that 
we  are  none  of  us  infallible — not  even  the 
youngest  of  us."  New  York  Ledger. 

[41] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


SOMETIMES  a  man  is  despised  for 
twenty  or  thirty  years  because  he  is  so 
stingy  and  envied  all  the  rest  of  his  life  be- 
cause he  is  so  rich. 

Sommerville  Journal. 

JACKSON:  I  hear  your  baby  was  kid- 
napped. Currie:  Yes.  The  kidnappers 
are  offering  us  five  thousand  dollars  if  we 
will  take  him  back,  but  we  are  holding  out 
for  more.  Life. 

"pAPA  what  is  the  hand  of  providence?" 

A  "The  hand  of  providence,  my  son,  is 

what  we  see  in  the  misfortunes  of  others." 

Puck. 

"TTOU  seem  to  be  very  much  interested 
»  in  me,  my  little  girl,  what  is  it?"  "I 
don't  see  how  your  face  can  be  so  smooth 
and  clean.  Papa  says  you  have  traveled  all 
over  the  country  on  it." 

Boston  Transcript. 

"AND  how  old  are  you,  my  little  man?" 
**.  asked  the  old  gentleman.     "I'm  not 
old  at  all,"  said  little  Freddie;  "I'm  nearly 
new."  Graphic. 

[42] 


OF  NATIONS 

FAITH  is  sometimes  represented  as  a 
drenched  female  clinging  to  a  sea- 
washed  rock,  but  a  better  personification 
would  be  a  bald-headed  man  buying  a  bottle 
of  patent  hair-restorer. 

Shoe  and  Leather  Reporter. 

WE    notice    some    verses    headed    "The 
Seven    Ages    of    Woman."     After    a 
woman  is  thirty  she  abolishes  the  other  six. 

Sommerville  Journal. 

"¥  HAVE  found  out  what  the  wild   waves 
M  were  saying,"  observed  the  horse  editor. 
"What   was   it?"   asked    the   snake   editor. 
"Let  us  spray."  Rambler. 

WE  still  cling  to  the  simple  faith  that  the 
acme   of   human   wisdom   is   to   know 
when  to  lay  down  a  poker  hand. 

Macon  Telegraph. 

"1*OMMY,  you  are  our  only  child,  and 
*  we  expect  you  to  be  a  better  boy."  "It 
ain't  my  fault  that  I'm  your  only  child — an' 
it's  tough  on  me  to  be  good  for  a  lot  of 
brothers  and  sisters  I  haven't  got." 

Texas  Sif  tings. 

[43] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

HAVE  you  ever  read  'The  Lay  of  the 
Last  Minstrel,'  Mr.  Breezy?"    "No,  I 
think  not.    What  lay  was  he  on?" 

New  York  Life. 

SPEAKING  about  the  artist  who 
painted  fruit  so  naturally  that  the 
birds  came  and  pecked  at  it,"  said  the  fat 
reporter,  "I  drew  a  hen  so  true  to  life  that 
after  they  threw  it  in  the  waste-basket  it 
laid  there."  Peabody  Reporter. 

IN  Hindustan  a  copper  cent  is  called  a 
"damri."    From  this  probably  comes  the 
expression:    "It  isn't  worth  a  continental." 

Philadelphia  Call. 

THERE  is  less  originality   in  profanity 
than  in  anything  else — it  is  old  as  origi- 
nal sin.  New  Orleans  Picayune. 


1 


'D  hate  to  be  a  chicken,"  said  the  four- 
year-old.  "Why?"  "'Cause  I'd  have 
to  lay  eggs,  and  I  don't  know  how,"  was  the 
response.  Babyhood. 

A  HALF-LOAF  is  better  than  no  vaca- 
tion. 

Chicago  Inter-Ocean. 

[44] 


OF  NATIONS 

YOU  can't  always  judge  by  appearances. 
The  man  who  wears  a  diamond  pin  may 
be  really  wealthy.  Lowell  Citizen. 


M 


EN  and  wimmin  is  diffunt,  but  putty 
much  all  boys  is  alike. 

Arkansaw  Traveler. 


WHEN  it  came  little  Ruth's  turn  to  be 
helped  to  pudding  she  said:    "I'll  take 
too  much,  if  you  p'ease,  papa." 

Detroit  Free  Press. 

WHEN  a  musician  goes  fishing  does  he 
castanet    in    the    hope    of    catching    a 
bassoon?  Yonkers  Gazette. 

VOULD  you  like  der  liddle  cookies  mit 
der  holes  in  de  mittle,  or  mit  de  citron 
in  de  mittle?"  the  German  bakery  girl  asked 
her  Irish  customer.  "Ov  ye  pl'ase,  mum," 
said  he,  "I'll  take  the  citron.  Oi  've  always 
liked  citron  betther  than  holes." 

Rambler. 

THERE  is  no  such  a  thing  as  idle  curi- 
osity— all  curiosity  is  busy. 

Kansas  City  Journal. 

[45] 


1 


TOR  THE  GAIETY 

WHAT  a  splendid  thing  it  would  be  if 
people  who  lose  their  tempers  were  un- 
able to  find  them  again. 

Chicago  Daily  News.  W 


I 


CANNOT  sing  the  old  songs 

I  sung  long  years  ago; 
And  neither  can  the  lady 
Who  lives  in  the  flat  below. 

New  York  Evening  Mail. 


' '  ¥T  O W  many  stops  has  that  organ  you 
*»   bought     your     daughter?"      "Five: 
breakfast,  dinner,  tea,  supper,  bed." 

Judge. 

"¥¥AVE   you  much   room   in  your   new 
fl   flat?"  "I  should  say  not !  Our  kitchen 
and  dining-room  are  so  small  we  have  to  use 
condensed  milk."  Puck. 


T 


HAT   young   man  is   always   running 
people  down."    "Scandal  or  auto?" 

Argonaut. 


IT  would  be  easy  to  be  content  with  little 
if  nobody  had  any  more.  Life. 

[46] 


OF  NATIONS 


THE  Bibles  tell  the  sluggard  to  go  to  the 
ant;  but  in  these  days  most  of  them  go 
to  the  father-in-law. 

Atlanta  Constitution. 

SMITH:    Is  young  Huggins  still  paying 
attention    to    your    daughter?      Jones: 
No;  they  are  married  now. 

Chicago  Daily  News. 

SONNY,"  said  the  good  man,  "I  am 
surprised  that  you  should  tease  the  cat 
in  that  way."  "Why?"  replied  the  boy, 
eagerly,  "do  you  know  a  better  way?" 

Philadelphia  Ledger. 

THE  novelists  of  true  romance 
Their  food  will  have  to  vary; 
To  make  the  villain  bite  the  dust 
Is  quite  unsanitary. 

New  York  Sun. 

THE  ardent  Frenchman  looked  tenderly 
at  the  fair  young  mistress  of  his  soul. 
"Je  t'adore!"  he  murmured.  "Maybe  I  had 
better,"  she  returned,  "you  never  can  tell 
who  is  listening  in  this  house." 

Baltimore  American. 

[47] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


VERY  man  has  his  faults,  but  no  man 
has  as  many  as  his  wife  thinks  he  has. 

Chicago  Record-Herald. 


WEREN'T    you   fired   by   the    college 
spirit  while  at  Yale?"     "No;  by  the 
president."  Cleveland  Press. 

WHERE  did  you  get  the  rank  of  col- 
onel?" "I's  a  kunnel  by  marriage, 
sah."  "By  marriage?  How's  that?"  "I 
married  the  widow  of  a  kunnel,  sah.  Kun- 
nel Thompson,  of  Waco."  Argonaut. 


HERE  is  an  article  which  says  family 
jars  eventually  kill  love."     "Family 
jugs  kill  it  sooner  than  that." 

Houston  Post. 

MRS.  VAN  TWILLER  (who  mistakes 
Dr.  Jovial  for  a  physician)  :  And  where 
do  you  practice,  Doctor?  The  Rev.  Dr. 
Jovial:  Ah,  madam,  I  do  not  practice;  I 
only  preach.  Harlem  Life. 

ANY  one  can  live  without  servants.    It  is 
how  to  live  with  them  that  is  filling  the 
insane  asylums.  New  York  World. 

[48] 


OF  NATIONS 

FLUFFY  YOUNG  THING  (at  the  play)  : 
I  believe  that  man  in  front  is  trying  to 
hear  what  we  are  saying.  Man  in  Front: 
You  do  me  an  injustice,  my  dear  young 
lady,  I  am  trying  not  to  hear  it. 

Chicago  Tribune. 

LOGAN :  Your  wife  isn't  holding  as  many 
pink  teas  as  she  used  to.  Rittenhouse: 
No.  She's  got  a  pink  tease  now,  that  takes 
all  her  time  to  hold.       Philadelphia  Press. 

WHAT'S    a   bachelor,   Aunt    Martha?" 
"Oh,  he's  a  man  that  thinks   every 
girl  that  looks  at  him  wants  to  marry  him." 

Indianapolis  Journal. 

MRS.  N ABORLY :  Is  your  aunt  on  your 
mother's  side  or  on  your  father's  side, 
Johnny?  Johnny:  Sometimes  on  one  side 
and  sometimes  on  the  other,  it  depends  on 
who's  getting  the  best  of  it. 

Brooklyn  Life. 

FATHER:  Tommy,  stop  pulling  the  cat's 
tail.    Tommy:    I  ain't.     I  am  just  hold- 
ing it;  the  cat  is  pulling. 

Detroit  Journal. 

[49] 


I 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

"QHE  hasn't  any  friends  to  speak  of." 
3 "No?    Then  what  are  they  for?" 

Puck. 

SHE:    You  had  no  business  to  kiss  me. 
He:    But   it   wasn't   business,   it   was 
pleasure.  Argonaut. 

SHE:    Why  do  married  men  live  longer 
than  single?     He:   They  don't;  it  only 
seems  longer.  Indianapolis  Journal. 

"¥   SAW  you  kissing  my  daughter.    I  don't 
m     like  it."    "Then  you  don't  know  what 
is  good,  sir."  Life. 


THE  savage  bachelor:  I  don't  see  why 
a  man  should  marry  when  a  good  parrot 
can  be  bought  for  twenty-five  dollars.  The 
Sweet  Young  Thing :  As  usual  woman  is  at 
a  disadvantage.  A  grizzly  bear  can't  be 
bought  for  less  than  ten  times  that  amount. 

Cleveland  Leader. 


OU  seem  to  like  his  attentions.    Why 
don't    you   marry   him?"    "Because    I 
Brooklyn  Life. 


Y 

like  his  attentions." 


[50] 


OF  NATIONS 

RALPH:  Suppose  a  fellow's  best  girl 
gets  mad  when  he  asks  for  a  kiss? 
Curtis:  Take  it  without  asking.  "Suppose 
she  gets  mad  then?"  "Then  he  has  got 
some  other  fellow's  girl." 

New  York  Journal. 


THE  deacon:  "Oh,  Lord,  ef  dis  yere 
chicken  be  stolen  we  hope  you  will  over- 
look de  fact,  fo'  it's  almighty  small,  almighty 
tough,  and  almighty  inadequate  to  go 
round.  Life. 

"¥S  that  young  man  in  the  parlor  with 
1   Maude,  still?"  asked  her  father.   "Very 
still,"  replied  her  mother. 

Chicago  Evening  Post. 

MURIEL:  Your  brother  proposed  to  me 
during  the  service  in  church  last  Sun- 
day. Zoe:  You  mustn't  mind  him.  He 
often  talks  in  his  sleep.  Smart  Set. 


FAIR  painter:  I  hope  you  don't  mind 
my  sketching  in  your  field.  Farmer: 
Lord,  no,  Missie!  You  keep  the  birds  off 
the  peas  better  'n  any  ordinary  scarecrow. 

Argonaut. 

[5i] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

PUPIL :  What  in  your  opinion,  professor, 
is  the  most  difficult  mathematical  prob- 
lem? Poor  Professor:  Trying  to  make  both 
ends  meet  Argonaut.         v± 

UNCLE  HIRAM:  They  say  the  sun 
never  sets  on  the  British  Empire.  Aunt 
Hannah:  Doesn't  it  now?  And  we  have 
such  magnificent  sunsets  over  here. 

Puck. 

JOHNNY,  do  you  like  going  to  school?" 
"Not  so  well  as  coming  home." 

Collier's  Weekly. 


PUBLIC  opinion  seems  sadly  divided  as 
to  the  usefulness  of  the  man  who  makes 
two  shares  of  stock  grow  where  one  grew 
before.  Detroit  News. 

JOHNNY  had  been  playing  around  the 
piano  and  had  fallen.  "What  are  you 
bawling  about?"  asked  Bertie,  contemptu- 
ously. "It  was  the  soft  pedal  your  head  hit." 

Boston  Gazette. 

THE  sun  never  sees  the  dark  side  of  any- 
thing. Success. 

[52] 


OF  NATIONS 

HE:  Why  did  you  fail  to  recognize  me 
on  the  street  to-day?  She:  I  did  not 
see  you.  "I  saw  you  twice."  "Oh,  that 
probably  accounts  for  it.  I  never  look  at  a 
man  in  that  condition." 

Chicago  News. 

DRS.  BROWN  and  Smith  are  going  to 
operate  upon  old  Gotrox."  "Is  the 
operation  necessary?"  "Why,  yes;  Brown 
has  a  note  coming  due,  and  Smith  wants  an 
automobile."  Chicago  Daily  News. 

GRACE:  I  can't  ride,  to-day;  I  am  ill. 
I've  sent  for  a  doctor.  Helen :  Not  that 
handsome  one  Fred  pointed  out  to  us  yes- 
terday? "Yes."  "Then  just  tear  into  your 
clothes  and  feed  Fido  all  the  cake  and  jam 
he'll  eat.    That  doctor  is  a  veterinary." 

Life. 

A  PERFECT  husband  is  one  who  will  sub- 
mit to  any  amount  of  reproof  because  he 
delayed  dinner  to  see  an  eleven-inning  base- 
ball game  to  the  finish,  and  never  once  al- 
lude to  similar  delays  occasioned  by  his 
wife's  devotion  to  illustrated  lectures  and 
pianists.  Washington  Star. 

[53] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

THE  Japanese  progress  rapidly.  In  a  cen- 
tury or  so  they  will  be  saying,  "What  a 
bright,  progressive  little  people  those 
Americans  are."  Washington  Star.         \^. 

WHAT  are  you  doing?"  "Burning 
Poe's  poems.  He  was  a  nature  faker. 
Ravens  never  sit  just  above  chamber  doors 
and  croak,  'Nevermore.' " 

Chicago  Record  Herald. 


"1  HAVE  been  thinkin'  'bout  gettin'  mar- 
■  ried,"  said  a  member  of  his  flock  to 
Brother  Williams.  "You  reckon  I  could  get 
a  marriage  license  fer  a  dozen  watermelons." 
"I  reckon  you  could,"  replied  Brother  Wil- 
liams; "but  my  advice  to  you  is  ter  eat  the 
watermelons."  Atlanta  Constitution. 

WE  love  the  woman  who  loves  her  coun- 
try and  her  husband  with  no  desire  to 
rule  either.  Kansas  City  Star. 

FATHER,  what  is  evolution?"  "Evolu- 
tion, my  son,  is  a  sort  of  apology  which 
man  has  invented  for  displaying  so  many 
traits  of  the  lower  animals." 

Louisville  Courier. 

[54] 


OF  NATIONS 


"¥1THY  does  the  professor  have  all  those 
ff  letters  tacked  onto  his  name?"   "That 
shows  he  got  there  by  degrees." 

Washington  American. 

'"1ATHY,  dear,  it's  lovely,"  murmured  the 
ff  artist's  better  half,  "lovely!  but  I 
think  those  sheep  look  just  a  trifle  too  much 
like  clouds — that  is,  of  course,  dear— er — 
unless  they  are  clouds." 

Harper's  Weekly. 

AGENT :  Here  is  a  book  you  can't  afford 
to  be  without.  Victim:  I  never  read 
books.  "Buy  it  for  your  children."  "I  have 
no  family— only  a  cat."  "Well,  don't  you 
need  a  good  heavy  book  to  throw  at  the  cat 
sometimes."  Cleveland  Leader. 

IT  is  asserted  by  some  physicians  that  the 
old-fashioned  nightcap  is  a  cure  for  in- 
somnia ;  but  they  fail  to  say  whether  it  must 
be  of  dry  goods  or  the  wet-goods  sort. 

Baltimore  American. 

SOMETIMES  absence  makes   the   heart 
grow  fonder — of  some  one  else. 

Philadelphia  Press. 

[55] 


I 


i 


FOR  THE  GAIETY 


WHAT  are  you  crying  for,  my  poor 
little  boy?"  "Boo-hoo!  Pa  fell  down 
stairs."  "Don't  take  on  so.  He'll  get  better 
soon."  "Sister  saw  him  fall,  all  the  way — I 
never  saw  nothing."  Sporting  Times. 


H 


wants  to  know  what  to  use  in  clean- 
ing carpets."  "If  she  is  a  married  woman 
tell  her  to  use  her  husband." 

Pittsburg  Despatch. 

ADORING  GRANDMOTHER:  Isn't  he 
a  lovely  child?  Calm  Visitor:  Yes  he 
is  a  nice  little  baby.  "And  so  intelligent! 
He  just  lies  there  all  day  long  and  breathes, 
and  breathes,  and  breathes." 

Baltimore  Telegram. 

A   DOLLAR  in  the  pocket  of  a  stingy 
man  represents  close  quarters. 

Chicago  Daily  News. 

A  MAN  may  have  heart  enough  to  love 
two  women  at  the  same  time,  but  he 
certainly  ought  to  have  too  much  brains  to 
try  it.  New  Orleans  Picayune. 

[56] 


OF  NATIONS 

A  LIE  by  any  other  name  doesn't  sound 
half  so  insulting. 

New  Orleans  Picayune. 


WILL  alcohol  dissolve  sugar?"  "It 
will,"  replied  the  Old  Soak,  "it  will 
dissolve  gold,  brick  houses,  and  horses,  and 
happiness,  and  love,  and  everything  else 
worth  having.  Kansas  City  Times. 


0 


NE  thing  about  common  sense — it  ain't 
common.  Boston  Globe. 


"Tlif  Y  son  is  taking  algebra  under  you  this 
1  *  term,  is  he  not!"  remarked  the  fond 
father.  "Well,"  answered  the  pedagogue, 
"your  son  has  been  exposed  to  alegbra,  but 
I  doubt  if  he  will  take  it." 

New  York  Tribune. 

HICKS:   My  hair  comes  out  in  handfuls. 
If  it  keeps  on  I'll  soon  be  bald.    Wicks : 
Nonsense,  if  it  keeps  on  you'll  never  be  bald. 

Cleveland  Leader. 


*  who'll  let  you  share  your  last  dollar 
with  him,  my  boy."  Pittsburg  Post. 

[57] 


FORTHE  GAIETY 


YOU  didn't  say  'Thank  you'  to  the  man 
who  gave  you  his  seat  in  the  car."  "I 
always  used  to  do  so,  and  by  the  time  I  had 
finished  another  woman  had  taken  the  seat." 

Washington  Star. 

TOMMY:  O  Ma!  Here's  a  little  green 
snake!  Mamma:  Keep  away  from  it, 
dear.  It  may  be  just  as  dangerous  as  a  ripe 
one.  Buffalo  Commercial. 

SHE:   Did  you  notice  the  beautiful  palms 
in  the  new  restaurant?    He:   The  only 
palms  I  saw  were  the  waiter's. 

Boston  Transcript. 

THE  evidence  shows,  Mrs.  Mulcahy, 
that  you  threw  a  stone  at  Policeman 
Casey."  "It  shows  more  than  that,  yer 
Honor,  it  shows  that  Oi  hit  him." 

Minneapolis  Tribune. 

THANK  Heaven  the  multiplication  table 
doesn't  change.  It  is  the  only  thing  a 
mother  knows  that  is  the  same  as  when  she 
went  to  school,  or  that  she  can  speak  of 
without  being  corrected. 

Atchison  Globe. 

[58] 


OF  NATIONS 


Y 


OU  know,  George,"  she  explained,  "I 
was   brought   up    without   any    care." 
"Marry  me,  my  darling,  and  you  will  have 
J)      nothing  but  care."      Baltimore  Telegram. 


"W  IKE  father,  like  son,"  said  the  Know- 
*/  ing  One.  "In  what  way  were  they 
alike?"  asked  the  Curious  One.  "First,  the 
old  man,  when  the  boy  was  a  child,  tried  to 
break  his  son's  will.  Now  the  son  is  trying 
to  break  the  old  man's  will." 

Baltimore  American. 


M 


ONEY  is  the  root  of  all  evil  and  grows 
best  by  the  grafting  process. 

Detroit  News. 


WHEN  the  clergyman  remarked  that 
there  was  a  nave  in  the  new  church  the 
society  was  building,  an  old  lady  whispered 
that  she  knew  the  party  to  whom  he  re- 
ferred. Detroit  Free  Press. 

WHAT  is  the  matter  with  your  watch?" 
asked  the  jeweler.  "I  can't  exactly 
tell,  but  as  near  as  I  can  make  out,  I  guess 
the  hair  is  all  worn  off  the  hair-spring." 

Buffalo  Times. 

[59] 


1 


FORTHE  GAIETY 

FRIENDS    are    divided    into   two    great 
classes,  those  you  need  and  those  who 
need  you.  Washington  Star. 

LOVE  is  said  to  be  blind,  but  it  often 
makes  spectacles  of  people. 

Washington  Star. 

"1TOW  can  you  tell  a  dogwood  tree?" 
*M  asked  the  professor  of  arborology.  "By 
the  bark,"  said  the  smallest  boy. 

Rockland  Tribune. 

NOW,"  said  the  physician,  "I  must  take 
your  temperature."  "All  right,"  re- 
sponded his  patient,  in  a  tone  of  utter  resig- 
nation, "you  have  taken  about  everything 
else  I  own."  Christian  Advocate. 

IF  you  want  to  make  sure  your  advice  will 
be  taken,  have  it  engraved  on  your  um- 
brella handle.  Troy  Press. 

THERE  are  two  reasons  why  some  people 
don't  mind  their  own  business.  One  is 
that  they  haven't  any  mind;  and  the  other, 
that  they  haven't  any  business. 

New  York  World. 

[60] 


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